It all started in the summer of 2017 when I met up with a local shaman to work on my mental health problems. He walked up to me and the first thing he said was, „What are you doing here? You belong in New Zealand!“
I didn't know this man and he couldn't possibly know my attachment to Aotearoa. He ended up confirming what I had suspected – my soul started its journey in New Zealand and wanted to return there. He was even able to point out the exact region I feel most drawn to. From that day on I started wearing a Koru (silver fern) amulet to remind myself that it was my purpose to return to the source – to Aotearoa.
That same year my seasonal affective disorder (SAD) was extreme and I felt drained and suicidal, which prompted me to give therapy another go - after years of shunning the option following some negative experiences in the past. Needless to say that for me as a witch such a technical approach from a historically mostly male point of view only made matters worse. What ended up getting me through that dark winter alive was going to the cinema to watch the latest Star Wars film over and over again religiously. My guardian angel was there to protect me!
On New Year's Eve I made a resolution – to write a poem every day of the following year, which I then followed through with. Some of the poems I might post here at a later time.
I knew things had to change in 2018 and the easiest way for me to do that was to become the person I felt I was on the outside aswell as the inside. In spring I got dreads and in the summer I finally got my first tattoo – it is there to remind me of my attachment to the ocean and the decisions I've made to change my life.
I decided to ditch therapy, which was a big step for me as I hate to quit things as it seems to equal admitting defeat. But in this case it left me feeling liberated and I had an epiphany that changed my life. A beloved presence – someone who has been with me spiritually from childhood – made me understand something vital: Stupid shit doesn't matter! And when you look at it, most everyday occurrences ARE stupid shit. I was no longer going to be held back by my unfounded fears, by restrictions I had burdened myself with, my society's expectations. That was when I made the decision to take a leap of faith, to make my dream come true and travel to the place my heart calls home!
Knowing I HAD to go to New Zealand, but being crippled by anxiety, panic attacks and depression I knew I needed to ease into it slowly. I went on a couple of test trips, leaving my comfort zone ever more courageously.
In the summer of 2018 I went to visit a friend in Bavaria. It was an easy trip: I chose to travel by train and I knew a friendly face would be waiting for me when I arrived. I learned that I am able to cope, despite my fears. I learned that I am highly organised and well-prepared for anything unforeseen that might happen. Photos of this trip will be added in a separate post.
In the autumn I travelled to Dublin by myself. I booked a flight and a b&b all by myself. I decided not to make too many plans, to take my time to explore the city. The only thing I was definitely going to do was to see a rugby match at a big stadium. Lo and behold, the crowds did not bother me at all and neither did the flight, even though that involved handing over control and lots and lots of restrictions (both physical and in terms of choices). I had chosen Dublin because I know the culture well, I speak the language and I feel a spiritual connection to Ireland through a past life. Photos of this trip will also be added in a separate post.
Next was the biggest leap: Over Christmas I travelled to Fuerteventura on my own. I knew I had to avoid SAD this time and I was well aware that Christmas at home was a massive trigger for me. I spent a week in the sun, alone with my thoughts and my emotions. I made a connection with the ocean, realising how much I miss it in my everyday life. That time I went through a travel agency to book a package holiday, only to realise that for me that is not the best option. Good to know for the future! Luckily, the trip I have planned for this year will be much different. Photos to follow, of course.
I am finishing my teaching job at the end of Feburary 2019 and will have all of March to prepare. My flights are booked, same as some accommodation on arrival and some tours, but it's mostly up to me to decide on the spot when I want to move on to the next place and which accommodation might suit me. More on all that in a different post!
I am very excited to finally live my dream, but that is not to say I am not scared. It is hard to get rid of old patterns that urge me to expect the worst, the nagging voice at the back of my head telling me that I will be ALL ALONE and that the world out there is dangerous and out to get me. I know it might be tough at times, but I have a goal – I want to make it to New Zealand and I want to explore on the way – foreign countries as well as my own mind.
Follow me on the journey!